Meta, formerly known as Facebook, has responded to the Oversight Board’s recommendations with a surprising solution to the cross-check program debacle. They have renamed it the “Cross-Your-Heart-and-Hope-to-Die-Check” program and will require all high-profile figures to wear a heart monitor vest every time they use the platform.
“We felt that if someone is going to criticize our algorithm, they should have to wear their emotions on their sleeve, or rather, their chest,” explained Meta CEO, Billy Bob. “Plus, it’s a great way to add some excitement to our boring office meetings. We can place bets on whose heart rate will soar the highest during a Q&A session.”
However, not everyone is thrilled with the new program. A-list celebrity, Beyoncé X Æ A-Xii, was quoted as saying, “I don’t want my heart rate monitored every time I post a selfie. What if my heart skips a beat because I’m just too fabulous?”
To make matters worse, legendary actor Tom Cruise-Kardashian’s vest malfunctioned during a heated political debate on the platform, causing him to receive an electric shock that launched him across the room. “I may have broken a few bones, but at least I wasn’t banned from the platform like some other people,” he said, in a thinly veiled jab at former President Donald Trump.
Despite the backlash, Meta plans to roll out the program next week and has even signed a deal with Fitbit to create customized vests for their high-profile users. It’s unclear if this program will solve their controversy woes, but one thing is for sure – they will know exactly how fast their users’ hearts are racing when they read those heated comment sections.
