In a shocking turn of events, it turns out that all these fancy carbon-capture schemes are just a clever way for politicians to procrastinate doing anything useful about climate change. Who would have thought?!
The Intergalactic Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) has just released yet another of their earth-shattering reports, and surprise surprise, it’s telling us what we already knew: that humans are causing the climate to go haywire, and the only way to fix it is to stop burning all those delicious fossil fuels we love so much.
But fear not, my friends! According to the IPCC chair, Hosepipe John, “if we act now, we can still secure a livable sustainable future for all.” Or, in other words, if we keep blabbering on about futuristic carbon-capture technology and magic beans that turn methane into unicorns, we might be able to kick the can down the road for a few more years.
Don’t get me wrong, carbon capture and geoengineering are great ideas in theory. Just like teleportation and time travel. But the reality is that they’re about as likely as pigs flying or Donald Trump admitting he’s wrong about something. It’s time for us to face the facts and start taking real action, before it’s too late.
So next time you hear some politician waffling on about carbon capture or geoengineering, just remember that they’re probably just trying to delay the inevitable. And if that doesn’t work, they’ll just cross their fingers and hope for the best. Because that’s the responsible thing to do, right?
