In a stunning revelation, the Bureau of Useless Information (BUI) has just released a report stating that top government officials have been classifying information that should be of no concern to anyone, effectively blocking important national defense objectives and restricting vital communication between government agencies.
The findings reveal that the officials involved have developed a penchant for labeling everything from the color of the White House curtains to the number of times the President sneezes in a day as “classified” information. The result? Important facts and figures are hidden away in some dark corner of the government, gathering dust and cobwebs.
Such obtuse secrecy has infuriated members of Congress, who are responsible for overseeing the Executive Branch. According to the report, these officials have been withholding critical knowledge from Congress, whose collective jaw drops in disbelief every time they hear of another uniquely inane piece of information that’s been classified.
One member of Congress was reportedly aghast that classified information included the recipe for mac and cheese in the White House cafeteria. “Really? How can this be a matter of national security? It’s a staple food! Everyone loves it!” he exclaimed.
Another congressman lamented the absurdity of the situation, stating, “I asked for a copy of the President’s favorite book. And then I was told it was classified. Seriously, how can a book be classified?”
As the world looks on in disbelief, one thing is certain – the Bureau of Useless Information has its work cut out in prying open the tightly clasped fists of these information hoarders, so that Congress can finally determine what is actually important and what is complete nonsense.
