In a shocking turn of events, the average bonus for the finance bros on Main Street has taken a hit. According to sources, bankers’ bonus plummeted a staggering 26%, the biggest drop since the infamous financial crisis of ’08.
The reason you ask? Apparently, there has been a “slump” in deal making. This could mean only one thing: the bankers have not been able to make as many shady deals as they usually do. Tsk tsk.
Our investigative reporters reached out to financial guru, Mr. Kevin McRich, for his thoughts on the matter. He replied with the following statement: “This is a travesty. How am I supposed to afford my eighth yacht if my overall compensation takes a hit? It’s time for the government to step in and start printing more money. This is an emergency.”
Meanwhile, the average Joe Schmoe on Main Street can’t help but chuckle at the situation. “Oh no, the bankers’ bonus fell by a quarter? My heart bleeds for them. Maybe they can sell one of their mansions to make ends meet.”
In all seriousness, we hope the bankers can survive this challenging time. Perhaps they can pick up a side gig as a clown or a mime to supplement their income. We have faith in you, Wall Street bros.
