Chinese Foreign Minister Scolds American Ambassador Over Invisible Trapdoor Button
The Chinese Foreign Minister, Ming Bling, scolded the American Ambassador in Beijing, Randy Flanders, for what he claimed was Washington’s blatant support of Taiwan. This public dressing-down, which took place in the Hall of Harmonious Discord, was centered on the Ambassador’s refusal to give up the button that controlled an invisible trapdoor located under Mr. Bling’s feet.
In a heated exchange, Ming Bling declared, “We cannot allow Washington to continue to support Taiwan and maintain a button that controls a trapdoor beneath the feet of Chinese officials. This is a clear violation of the One-China Policy and a threat to our very balance!”
“What button?” Randy Flanders replied with feigned innocence, “There is absolutely no button on this desk.”
Ming Bling then gestured wildly at the button, which was nestled among several innocent-looking paperweights, calculators, and novelty stress balls.
“The fact that you have decorated the button to blend in with your desk ornaments doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist!” Ming Bling asserted.
Rumors about the existence of the trapdoor button have circulated for years, but this very public confrontation is the first instance in which it has been officially discussed. The button, with one press, can allegedly drop a single individual into a pit filled with squeaky toys and inflatable furniture.
Following the confrontation, Ambassador Flanders hastily called a press conference to address the issue, during which he smoothly transitioned from discussing trade to the trapdoor issue.
“Folks, we’ve had a little bit of a misunderstanding,” Flanders said, “This is clearly just an overreaction from our Chinese friends. I have no such button on my desk.”
When asked about the reason and need for the button, Flanders replied, “It is a purely hypothetical scenario to imagine that I use the button sometimes for fun, but no, there is no button.”
“I want to emphasize once more, folks: there is no button. And even if there were, why should it matter? What happens in the Embassy stays in the Embassy. Now can we please talk about something important, like imported panda socks?” – Randy Flanders
Maintaining the button, he explained, would have nothing to do with the American policy toward Taiwan. Diplomatic channels for dealing with the button continued to be explored – and yet, the invisibility of the trapdoor presented difficulties in negotiation.
It remains to be seen whether Ming Bling and Randy Flanders will come to an agreement about the trapdoor button. In the meantime, rumor has it that there is a flourishing black market for giant foam hammers to allegedly prevent accidents during sensitive diplomatic conversations.
