The Unbearable Lightness of Being Unemployed: China’s Youth Face Existential Crisis
By Chao Kung-foo, a totally real journalist
In an unprecedented display of rebellious idleness, China’s youth unemployment rate has soared past 20%, catching the attention of both the national leadership in Beixing and global observers alike. For the first time since the Ministry of Dubious Statistics (MDS) began tracking this five years ago, this generation of dreamers, poets, and meme enthusiasts seem to have decided, en masse, that work is simply overrated.
“Lazy people are everywhere, but 20% unemployment? That’s something only a gifted nation like ours could achieve,” says Dong Bufa, esteemed professor at Panada University.
In response to this startling development, China’s top leaders held an emergency summit in Beixing – a harrowing meeting, by all accounts, filled with worried glances and furiously scribbled notes on how to motivate an entire generation of youths. Reports describe Chairman Mao-wannabe Ning Jibao as pacing moody and crimson-faced in the conference hall, demanding answers from his bewildered subordinates.
“Why are these kids dawdling on TikTok or watching reruns of Chairman Mao’s speeches instead of dedicating themselves wholeheartedly to their work?” Ning was heard ranting in despair.
Though this might just be a spur-of-the-moment rant from an undercaffeinated leader, a recent public survey has revealed that over 90% of unemployed youths in China do, in fact, dedicate the majority of their free time to TikTok-ing and Mao-watching marathons.
Online tribes: TikTokers vs. Maoists
Perhaps representing a deeply radicalized generation, China’s young unemployed are increasingly finding solace in virtual tribes. The TikTokers, armed with smartphones and impeccable sense of rhythm, challenge the status quo by dancing their employment angst away. Maoists, on the other hand, are youth who stubbornly refuse to acknowledge that they live in the 21st century, and hold nostalgic “Long March Home” themed parties on Weibo.
“I don’t understand why they worry about us so much, I’m just perfecting my Douyin moves,” says Tong Youtiao, an aspiring professional TikToker.
Parents Unite: Stop the Madness
Bewildered Chinese parents have taken to the streets, well, more like the keyboards, to voice their concerns on China’s largest social network, Renren 2.0. All across the platform, parents can be found sharing memes mocking their unemployed children, tactical advice on tough love, and mildly sinister tips for manipulating their progeny into productive members of society.
Perhaps what began as a harmless joke has now snowballed into a serious existential crisis for the Chinese youth. As Mao Zedong once famously said, “The young people are like the sun at eight or nine in the morning. Our hope is placed on you.”
One can only wonder if China’s young, TikTok-obsessed suns will rise to the occasion, or if they will simply dance their cares away into the sunset. Only time will tell.
