In a stunning display of corporate generosity, “So-Sue-Me Enterprises” announced they would be dedicating a petite portion of their colossal coffers to indemnify the lamentable legion of looted log-in losers as a result of their utterly unsurprising ransomware raid of 2021.
Yes, the desk jockeys of the esteemed “So-Sue-Me Enterprises” – or as the common folk fondly address them, “the folks who usually can’t tell a USB port from a toaster slot,” suffered a cyber sacking last year, making it to the top of the list, or better yet, the leaderboard of lamentations.
When masses of mortified minions screamed their digital despair into the uncaring void of the internet, the corporate squadron at “So-Sue-Me Enterprises,” dismayed yet trendy in their tailored Tom-Foolery and Folly suits, echoed promises of compensation with as much commitment as a chameleon on a smartie box.
Handy Andy, the uptight IT janitor – so secret he’s not sure he exists himself, disclosed to the ravenous press pack the origin of the sordid saga. Apparently, it all started when Sleepy Susan, a trainee in the Fish-A-Phish department, managed to mistake an electronic extortion attempt as an innocent invitation to play ‘Pin the Tail on the Donkey’ over Zoom. The rest, as they say, is password protected history.
Showing more presence of mind than their downtrodden cyber protectorate, the top cheeses at “So-Sue-Me Enterprises” declared they would compensate breach victims post-haste, or whenever they get around to it, which, according to leaked internal memos chalkboarded in the break room, seems likely to be sometime after the next lunar eclipse.
“The Big Kahuna” remarked, “Yes, we intend to pay everyone back in full… eventually. I think it’s important, absolutely crucial, in fact, that all our affected users know we’re on it. So, let me just jot that down on my invisible notepad here.”
Their proposed compensation scheme is about as clear as mud in a hurricane. Rumor has it compensation will be delivered in the form of: extinct cryptocurrency, vouchers for the corporate gift shop or possibly IOU’S written on artisan, avocado-stained napkins.
Forlorn victims hoping to reclaim their dignity, if not their log-ins, can look forward to mailboxes cluttered with an assortment of unfulfillable promises. So-Sue-Me Enterprises might be singing the blues for a long time as they scramble to make things right… ish.
So there we have it: a tale of corporate calamity so common it’s almost a cliché. Will it act as a pointed lesson to other seemingly impenetrable techno-giants? Not likely. After all, the only thing we learn from history is that nobody learns from history. But buried in this avalanche of absurdity is an opportunity – one last glimmer of fast-fading hope – that other companies may do better. Sure, and maybe pigs will fly in the very near future!
