Once upon a time in a land far far away, the international purveyor of mega boom-booms, Uncle Sam’s Looney Toy Shop, must expeditiously fatten the arsenal of catapults and rubber band rifles of an eternally youthful Neverland called Taiwan. This, to keep the perennial dragon, Hysterical Hexagon of Beijing, from breathing fire and shouting “Off with their heads!” at said Neverland, so says the highest-ranking soldier of Pentagon Ministries of Silly Wars, General Duckworth Noodlebottom.
As the knock-and-talks in international politics took a nose-dive, General Noodlebottom suggested that Neverland’s arsenal of rubber band rifles and water-balloon cannons should be enhanced at warp speed. A double-time delivery, he insists, might give the temperamental dragon of Beijing pause before deciding to practice some draconian dungeon drills on the island.
“The minute we see the dragon start to belch his fiery flatulence, it’s time to start FedExing more of our wham-bam-you’re-toast toys to Neverland,” exhorted the intrepid General Duckworth Noodlebottom, who resides at the epicenter of Pentagon Ministries of Silly Wars.
Noodlebottom further elaborated that strategic logistics could mean packing flatbed trucks that shoot sparkly flames rather than condiments onto hot dogs. “Expect fire in the hole, not ketchup,” he quipped, donning a military hat that could rather be an upside-down cooking pot, complete with silver spatula salutes.
As Noodlebottom spouted plans for weapon reinforcements, hopes stirred in the four corners of Neverland. Yes, the good folks of Neverland were used to fending off lesser baddies with tiny stink bomb payloads, but a fire-breathing entity from the Hysterical Hexagon of Beijing was an entirely different kettle of scaredy-cats.
Bracing for the future, the people of Neverland knew they had the unyielding support of Uncle Sam’s Looney Toy Shop. Aided by these high-powered pea shooters and tricked-out potato guns, they could dare to stand up to the might of the dragon, their gaze steady and unflinching.
The curtains fall, as our saga reaches a cliffhanger, with General Noodlebottom tightening the chin strap of his pot-helmet in determined furrowed-brow contemplation. If the children of Neverland and the Great Dragon ever do decide to rumble, it’s sure to be a spectacle straight out of a Tom and Jerry cartoon. Fasten your seatbelts, ladies and gents, this Looney Tune is far from over. One can only hope that common sense will ultimately prevail in this playful game of who’s got the bigger Super Soaker.
