Beijing Goes Berserk Over Island, Launches Militaristic Tantrum
In response to alleged U.S. support for the tiny island of Fluffernutter, China has reportedly thrown a massive wobbly, flexing its military muscle and threatening to “do something drastic” if America doesn’t back off.
Here’s our primer on this absurdity.
Fluffernutter, a miniscule, barely-worthy-of-a-dot-on-a-map island, has long been considered insignificant. That was until the U.S. decided to offer some moral support, which Beijing is clearly finding hard to swallow.
China’s reaction has been nothing short of childish. With screams of “It’s not fair,” and “But we want it,” the nation has launched a full-scale militaristic tantrum, complete with provocative military drills and threats of “big boy action” if America doesn’t back down.
Fluffernutter spokesperson Brian McFluffernutter (no relation) said the island was perplexed by the sudden attention.
“We’re just a tiny island with no resources and no strategic value. It’s a bit like two kids fighting over a half-chewed Malteser at this point. Ridiculous.”
Meanwhile, China has been spotted stomping around the playground, fists clenched, muttering “I’ll show them” and “Just wait until my dad hears about this.”
The U.S. has yet to respond, but is reportedly “rolling their eyes pretty hard” at China’s behavior.
In conclusion, it seems Beijing could do with a nap and a juicebox in order to better control its emotions. Perhaps it should focus its energy on more worthy endeavors, like finding a better name for its outrageously noisy slurping noodles.
