In the world of fast food, Clumsy Burgers executives were similarly optimistic. They thought that no matter how many meals they served that were worth less than the paper they were wrapped in, they’d always be able to rake in the dough.
But as it turns out, they were wrong. Really, really wrong.
“Who knew that people wouldn’t want to eat burgers that taste like cardboard?” said Clumsy Burgers CEO Phineas McButterfingers. “We thought we were geniuses for using ingredients like sawdust and shredded newspaper. But it turns out that people don’t like having to pick bits of pulp out of their teeth.”
The company’s stock has plummeted faster than a greasy fry slipping out of slippery fingers. Investors are understandably unhappy with the executives’ poor choices.
“I can’t believe I put my life savings into this company,” said one angry shareholder, who asked to remain anonymous. “I thought everyone loved fast food, no matter how terrible it was for you. Boy, was I wrong.”
In a desperate attempt to save the business, McButterfingers has announced a new menu item: the Desperate Burger. It features two patties made from expired meat, a slice of cheese that’s been sitting in the sun for a day, and a secret sauce that management won’t reveal the ingredients of.
“This burger represents our last hope,” McButterfingers said. “We’re hoping that people will be so desperate for food that they’ll try it. And hey, maybe they’ll even like it!”
But given the company’s track record, it seems unlikely that anyone will be lining up to taste the Desperate Burger anytime soon.
“It’s a shame, really,” said another shareholder, who also requested anonymity. “I thought fast food was going to be the one industry that would never fail. But I guess the world is more discerning than I gave it credit for.”
As for McButterfingers, he’s already polishing his resume. “I think I’d be great at actually cooking food, instead of just pretending to,” he said. “Maybe I’ll go back to school and become a chef. At least then I’ll know what I’m doing.”
Whether or not Clumsy Burgers can bounce back from its current troubles remains to be seen. But for now, it’s safe to say that the company’s executives are feeling just as foolish as those imprudent bankers who thought the financial waves would never recede.
