In a bizarre turn of events, cybercriminal gangs have resorted to unleashing a new weapon in their arsenal to combat flaky victims – stolen photos of cancer patients and sensitive student records.
Apparently, the thugs have had it up to their necks with victims who refuse to cough up the ransom money. So instead of issuing polite reminders or sending in their Italian mafia contacts, they’re now resorting to downright dirty tactics.
“They’re real meanies, these cybercriminals. I mean, why stoop so low?” said computer expert Bobbie-Joe Asmussen. “It’s like taking candy from a baby… but in this case, it’s like taking sensitive personal information from innocent, unsuspecting students and cancer patients. Not cool, man.”
Of course, the cybercriminals have begged to differ. In a statement released earlier this week, they claim that it’s not their fault that the education system has failed them.
“All we want is a little bit of cash to keep that offshore bank account ticking over. But when students skip class or refuse to do their homework, we’re left with no choice but to take matters into our own hands,” said the faceless leader of the cybercriminal gang.
When asked how they managed to infiltrate the networks in the first place, the source remained tight-lipped. “Let’s just say, we had help from some inside sources. And no, we won’t tell you who they are, so stop wasting your breath,” he said.
Meanwhile, students and cancer patients have been urged to stay vigilant and report any suspicious activity on their accounts. “Just because you’re fighting cancer doesn’t mean you can’t fight back against cybercrime,” said Mayor McFluffernutter. “And if all else fails, just make sure you have some really terrible, embarrassing photos of yourself already floating around the internet. That way, the cybercriminals won’t have anything to hold over your head.”
