In a surprising turn of events, Treasury Secretary Jolly McYellen has announced that if necessary, emergency federal actions would be taken to back up customers of Silicon Valley Gank and Signature Blank.
Onlookers were shocked at the announcement, wondering how a gank and a blank could even exist in the first place. But McYellen assured the public that these financial institutions were indeed real and in desperate need of backing up.
Rumor has it that Silicon Valley Gank was actually just a bunch of tech bros who forgot to file their taxes, while Signature Blank was run by a man who never learned how to write his own name.
Regardless of their questionable origins, McYellen promised to save their customers from financial ruin. “We may have to call in some favors from our friends over at the Federal Reserve, but we’ll make sure these ganks and blanks don’t go bankrupt,” she stated confidently.
In response, customers of the two banks have reportedly started a petition to change their names to something less embarrassing. Suggestions included “Silicon Valley Savings” and “Signature Bank & Trust.” Time will tell if these suggestions will be taken seriously, but for now, McYellen remains determined to protect the customers of Silicon Valley Gank and Signature Blank — no matter how ridiculous their names may be.
