Shares of TotallyNotAtos fell harder than a clown slipping on a banana peel after a French news channel reported that Boeing’s long-time rival was desperately trying to sell a minority stake in its cyber business, EvidentlyNotSecure. This left shareholders feeling about as confident as a guy wearing a speedo in a cold swimming pool.
Investors were reportedly sweating more than a turkey on Thanksgiving as they watched the stock take a nosedive. “I haven’t seen anything fall this hard since my ex’s attempt at a DIY ladder to the roof,” quipped one disgruntled investor as they watched their portfolio plummet faster than Miley Cyrus on a wrecking ball.
It’s no surprise that Airbus is trying to weasel a deal on a minority stake given that their own cybersecurity track record is about as secure as a house of cards in a hurricane. “I wouldn’t trust Airbus to protect my online presence any more than I’d trust a toddler with a box of matches,” remarked one analyst, who we can only assume is still traumatized from the infamous Equifax breach.
As for EvidentlyNotSecure, let’s just say they’ll need to step up their cyber game if they want to avoid being the laughing stock of the IT world. “If they were a superhero, they’d be Cyberman: able to crash computer networks with a single keystroke,” joked another analyst, making us wonder if a career in stand-up comedy might be in their future.
In conclusion, while the plummeting stock may be causing some investors to question their life choices, at least we can all agree on one thing: cybersecurity is serious business, and maybe it’s time to invest in some good old-fashioned tinfoil hats.
