In shocking news for Wall Street, the average bonus for bankers last year took a nosedive, leaving some heavy-hitters feeling quite disgruntled. While 2021 saw the average bonus soaring to dizzying heights of over $238,000, 2022 saw a sharp decline to a piddly $176,000, representing a 26% drop in bonus amounts for bank bigwigs.
We reached out to some of the top dogs to get their reactions. “I can hardly believe it,” said Bob McBankster. “I mean, how am I supposed to keep up with my yacht payments now?” Charles Greedmore threatened to turn to a life of crime, “I might as well become a cat burglar, since I’m not even making enough to buy cat food.”
Leo Loanmaker was seen flailing his arms around in a fit of rage, “This is unacceptable! I am entitled to my outrageous bonuses! Who’s going to pay for my third vacation home now?” Meanwhile, bankers all over the city were reportedly weeping into their third glass of scotch over the pitiful decline in their bonus amounts.
However, not everyone was unhappy about the drop. We spoke to Anna Accountant, who was thrilled with the news, “I’m just glad that this year I won’t have to deal with the entitled tantrums of these bankers when they see their puny bonuses. Finally, some peace and quiet!”
While it remains to be seen if the decrease in bonuses will be a long-term trend, bankers everywhere are looking for ways to tighten their belts and make considerable changes to their lifestyles. Meanwhile, the rest of us will continue to watch from the sidelines, waiting to see what new tantrums and cries of entitlement will follow in 2023.
