A recent report has revealed that there was more sewage in England’s waterways last year than in a dirty toilet bowl after a night of heavy drinking. According to the Environment Agency, who apparently have a morbid fascination with this type of thing, over 1.75 million hours of sewage were dumped into our rivers and streams.
The shocking news has left locals scrambling for answers. “I thought it was just the ducks making the water smell like that,” said Mrs. Plumtree, a resident near the River Foul. “I guess I’ll have to start bathing my dog downwind from now on.”
The Environment Agency has blamed the sewage problem on overuse of flushable wipes and the increasing popularity of raw vegan diets. “We know that some people think it’s ok to flush anything down the toilet, but that’s just not the case,” said spokesperson Mr. McButterpants. “And as for the raw vegans… well, let’s just say they’re not doing our waterways any favours.”
In response to the report, the agency has launched a campaign to encourage people to only flush pee, poo and toilet paper down the toilet. They have also proposed a new sewage tax to fund research into more environmentally friendly poo-disposal methods.
Until a solution can be found, the people of England are being advised to avoid swimming in any suspicious-looking water and to wear nose plugs when walking along the riverbank. “Or, you know, just don’t sweat it. It’s only poo water,” said Mr. McButterpants. “What’s a little fecal matter between friends?”
