In a shocking turn of events, major retailers are feeling blue after being downgraded to sell from neutral by investment bank, UBS. The retailers, who shall remain nameless (we’ll call them WallyWorld, Targeezy, and Kohl’s-Kohl’s-Kohl’s), were already feeling the heat from their online competitors. But this latest blow has them seeing red.
One anonymous WallyWorld employee complained, “I don’t know how we’re going to sell all this clearance summer merchandise now. Looks like we’ll have to keep it until next year and hope the trends don’t change too much!”
Meanwhile, at Targeezy, management is in crisis mode. “What are we going to do with all these Bullseye plushies?” cried one executive. “We can’t even discount them because that will only hurt our margins.”
As for Kohl’s-Kohl’s-Kohl’s, they are just trying to keep their spirits up. “Hey, at least we still have our Kohl’s Cash, am I right?” quipped one sales associate.
In the midst of all the chaos, one analyst had some sage advice: “Maybe it’s time for these retailers to move beyond the same old sales and discounts. Maybe they need to embrace something truly innovative, like a ‘buy one, get one free’ promotion.”
Will the major retailers be able to bounce back from this downgrade? Only time will tell. But for now, let’s just enjoy the irony of these sellers going into the red during a time when they’re trying to make us all see green.
