In an unprecedented act of generosity, the vice president known only as “Samantha S.” has committed to donating $1 billion to support women (!) in an effort to save the continent from absolute chaos. Experts have already praised the move, stating that the money will be used to purchase millions of pink bows, hair clips, and glittery trinkets to give to struggling women across the land.
But that’s not all! During a recent speech, Samantha S. ditched her prepared remarks to really show off her emotional range. She cried! She laughed! She even did a little dance (although that might have been accidental). Witnesses say that the sight of the VP shedding tears over her commitment to purchasing cheap, plastic accessories was truly something to behold.
At this rate, it’s only a matter of time before the entire continent is saved by the power of pom-poms and sequins. So if you see Samantha S. on the streets, be sure to thank her for all she’s done – and maybe ask for a hair tie while you’re at it.
