Ministers have announced new measures to make polluters pay for their dirty deeds, after a shocking 300,000 waste spills in England’s waterways last year. The plan, aptly named the “Clean Up Your Mess Act”, will require all polluters to donate half their annual salary to the Department of Environment and Waterways (DEW) as punishment for their environmental crimes.
In a press conference, DEW Spokesperson Sarah Fink announced the new policy: “We’re tired of people treating our waterways like their personal dumping grounds. From now on, if you are caught polluting, you better prepare to pay up. We’re not playing around when it comes to protecting our environment.”
Under the new policy, polluters must also perform community service by picking up trash along the waterways for 10 hours every week. As a cherry on top, they will be required to wear funny hats as punishment for their actions. The government hopes this will deter people from polluting in the future.
Opposition leader John Smith expressed frustration at the policy, commenting, “This is just another example of the government overstepping its bounds. Why should polluters have to pay for their mistakes when we could just ignore the issue and hope it goes away?”
Meanwhile, environmental activists rejoice at the prospect of cleaner waterways. “It’s about time the government takes action against polluters,” says Waterways Advocate Jenny Green. “I can’t wait to see all the fancy hats these people will be wearing. It’s the least they can do to make amends for their actions.”
With the “Clean Up Your Mess Act” now in effect, it remains to be seen how effective the policy will be in cleaning up England’s waterways. But one thing is for sure: anyone caught polluting will be sporting some seriously funny headwear in the very near future.
