In a shocking turn of events, the U.S. stock indexes stumbled today after it was revealed that the country’s workforce had decided to take a collective yawn and ease their way through the day.
“We were really banking on everyone being extra productive today, but it seems like a lot of folks just didn’t get the memo,” said Blake Johnson, CEO of Big Money Inc.
The lackadaisical attitude of the labor market was evident in the latest data, which showed that productivity levels had plummeted to an all-time low. Many workers were spotted napping at their desks, or taking extended lunch breaks to catch up on their Netflix binges.
“We were hoping for a strong showing from our employees, but instead we got a bunch of slackers who can’t be bothered to do their jobs,” said Alicia Smith, head of HR at Wall Street Corp.
Investors were understandably disappointed by the news, with many calling for a national intervention to boost morale and energy levels across the workforce. Some suggested offering free coffee and donuts to everyone, while others proposed mandatory dance parties in the break room.
“I don’t know what the solution is, but we need to do something to get people motivated again,” said John Williams, a stockbroker at Shake it Up Securities.
In the meantime, the stock market will have to ride out this slump until the labor market can kick it into high gear once again. Let’s just hope everyone gets a good night’s sleep tonight!
