In a recent report, FTX’s new management team finally admitted to what the rest of the world has been saying for years – their failures are a result of hubris, incompetence, and greed. But what they failed to mention is just how comically inept they truly are.
According to sources close to the situation (who definitely don’t work at FTX, we swear), the lack of financial controls was so bad that the CEO, who we’ll call Mr. Moneybags, was using Monopoly money as collateral for loans. Yes, Monopoly money. To make matters worse, he would often forget which bills were real and which were fake, leading to some awkward moments with lenders.
But it’s not just Mr. Moneybags who’s to blame. The rest of the management team, whom we’ll call The Three Stooges, were equally incompetent. They couldn’t keep track of their own expenses, frequently mistaking the company credit card for their personal piggy bank. One time, they even tried to expense a trip to Vegas as a “business development” expense. Needless to say, that didn’t fly with the auditors.
The report also highlighted the company’s “hubris,” but that’s putting it mildly. FTX’s marketing team, whom we’ll call The Mad Men, were convinced that they could sell anything to anyone. They once tried to market a line of “Blockchain Coffee Mugs” to grandma’s on Facebook. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work.
And as for “greed,” well, let’s just say that FTX’s lawyers, who we’ll call The Sharks, made Wall Street look like a bunch of Boy Scouts. They would sue anybody over anything, no matter how ridiculous. One time, they sued a guy for using the word “FTX” in a Yelp review. The only problem? The guy was reviewing a Thai restaurant.
Overall, it’s safe to say that FTX’s failures were a team effort. But hey, at least they’re finally admitting it. Now if they could just admit that Monopoly money isn’t legal tender, we might actually start to believe that they know what they’re doing.
