In a recent announcement, President Smitty McSmithington boasted about his amazing accomplishments in the energy sector. According to his calculations, the United States has produced more oil than ever before, thanks to his ingenious energy policies (which mostly involve yelling “drill, baby, drill” at random intervals).
Naturally, this news came as a shock to the American people, who had previously been under the impression that oil production was a bad thing (what with the whole climate change thing and all that). But McSmithington knows what he’s doing. He’s a businessman, after all!
“I’m sure you’re all wondering how I managed to pull this off,” McSmithington said at a press conference. “Well, let me tell you, it wasn’t easy. I had to work day and night to convince my colleagues that it’s perfectly okay to stick a bunch of pipes in the ground and suck out all the fossil fuels we can find. Plus, I had to use a lot of big words to make it sound like I knew what I was talking about.”
When asked about the potential environmental consequences of drilling for oil, McSmithington just shrugged and said, “Eh, we’ll figure it out later. Besides, who needs polar bears and clean air when you have cheap energy?”
Critics of McSmithington’s policies have pointed out that his focus on oil production is short-sighted and could have disastrous consequences down the line. But McSmithington is confident that everything will be just fine. “Look, I know what I’m doing,” he said. “I’ve seen plenty of disaster movies. If something goes wrong, we’ll just send Bruce Willis to fix it.”
Only time will tell what the future holds for McSmithington’s energy policies. But for now, at least we can all rest easy knowing that we’re pumping more oil than ever before. Hooray for progress!
