“Shocks were muted Wednesday as another heavy day of corporate earnings got under way,” said Jeff, a financial analyst who can’t help but insert puns into his reports. “Investors are treading carefully as they wait to see which companies will soar and which will tank.”
Meanwhile, the CEO of Apple, Timmy McTimmerson, nervously chewed on his organic potato chips as he waited for the bell to ring. “I just hope our earnings don’t take a bite out of our stock price,” he whispered to his assistant, Sherri, who rolled her eyes before going back to her Sudoku puzzle.
Over at Amazon, CEO Jazzy Bezos was feeling confident. “We’ve got this in the bag,” he boasted to his team. “I mean, who doesn’t love one-day delivery and buying stuff they don’t need?”
But things took a turn for the worse when the earnings report revealed a surprise loss. “Well, that’s just Prime,” Jazzy muttered, as he began to stress-eat a bag of marshmallows.
At Facebook, things were equally tense. “We need to do something about the negative publicity,” said Marky McMarkerson, the CEO. “Maybe we could start a fake news campaign about how great our earnings are?”
But despite their efforts, Facebook’s earnings were lackluster. “I guess it’s back to endless scrolling for me,” Marky sighed, as he closed his laptop and slumped in his chair.
Overall, it was a disappointing day for many companies, and investors were left wondering whether they should hold or sell. “I don’t know if I have the Intel to make a decision like this,” said one trader, before collapsing into peals of laughter at his own terrible joke.
As for Jeff, he ended his report on an optimistic note: “We’ll just have to wait and see how things Dow.”
