NEW YORK – In a shocking turn of events, not even billions of dollars can guarantee success for the world’s top investment banks. Morgan Samson’s investment banking revenue took a 24% tumble this quarter. In related news, water is wet.
This news comes after Goldman Scanlon suffered a similar drop. Sources say the executives are considering a new strategy: instead of working harder, they’ll just start giving investors refunds on their investments. “If we’re not making money, no one is,” laughed one executive. “Might as well give it back and call it a day.”
Other big banks are rethinking their own strategies. “We’ve decided to switch from risky investments to just investing in lottery tickets,” said a representative from Chase Jackson.
The news has also led to an uptick in job interviews for the world’s leading comedians. “We’re in high demand right now,” said Kevin Hepburn, a professional comedian. “It’s not often you get to make fun of millionaires losing money.”
One thing’s for sure: the investment banking world has seen better days. But don’t worry – they’ve still got their private yachts and mansions to console them.
