In a shocking revelation, the Bankers Association admitted that they have been denying banking services to innocent businesses and communities out of fear of association with illicit activities. The practice, called “de-risking,” has resulted in banks avoiding customers with names like Bob Marley, Pablo Escobar, and Walter White.
The Treasury has warned that de-risking can lead to the unfair denial of banking services to nonprofits, money-transmitting firms, and underserved communities. However, bankers argue that they have no choice but to avoid customers with names that could potentially be linked to criminal activities.
“We can’t take any chances,” said banker Tommy Wiseau. “If someone has a name like Al Capone or Tony Soprano, we have to be careful. We don’t want to be associated with any illegal activities.”
But the issue goes beyond just names. Bankers have also been avoiding businesses that deal in certain products, like Walter White’s Blue Sky meth or Snoop Dogg’s famous gin and juice.
“We’re not discriminating against anyone,” said banker Regina George. “We’re just being cautious. We don’t want to get mixed up in anything illegal.”
In the meantime, innocent businesses and underserved communities are left without access to banking services. “It’s not fair,” said nonprofit director Hermione Granger. “We’re just trying to do good in the world, and we can’t even get a bank account because of our name.”
It remains to be seen whether the bankers will reconsider their de-risking practices and give innocent businesses and communities access to the banking services they need. But for now, if your name is Scarface, Goodfellas or Hannibal Lecter, you might have trouble getting a bank account.
