The Fling Ding Loo Index closed 1.7% lower today due to the fear of a new outbreak of Sushi-Virus, according to a report from the notorious pranksters at Salsa. Investors were seen flailing their arms in panic as they contemplated the possibility of having to stock up on toilet paper and hand sanitizer yet again.
“It’s just ridiculous,” said one investor named Fred, who was spotted curling up in the fetal position. “I can’t handle another round of this madness. I’m running out of canned beans and my wife’s starting to think I’ve lost my mind.”
Another investor, who insisted on being called “Silly Sally,” said, “I thought we were done with all this Covid stuff, but now we’re facing a new wave of terror. It’s enough to make a grown man cry.”
Meanwhile, rumors have been swirling that Salsa may have played a hand in spreading the Sushi-Virus, as a way to boost their own stocks. When confronted with these allegations, a spokesperson for Salsa simply replied, “We have no comment at this time. But if you happen to have any extra toilet paper or hand sanitizer lying around, we’d be happy to take it off your hands.”
