BREAKING: Whirlwind Inc. to Acquire Flailing Fische GmbH for $13 Billion (and a Sausage Sandwich)
In a surprising move, Whirlwind Inc. has announced their plans to acquire German industrial manufacturer, Fische GmbH for a whopping $13 billion. The deal includes all of Fische GmbH’s debts, which is a lot considering their constant production of sneeze guards made out of half-eaten pretzels.
The acquisition deal is said to include a bonus sausage sandwich for Whirlwind Inc. CEO, Harry Poppins, who is a self-proclaimed lover of all things German (especially the food).
When asked about the acquisition, Poppins stated, “We believe that Fische GmbH has a lot of untapped potential, and we’re excited to bring our expertise in lawnmower manufacturing to the table.” When reminded that Fische GmbH doesn’t actually make lawnmowers, Poppins responded with a shrug, “Details, schmetails.”
Fische GmbH employees, who were seen sobbing and hugging each other outside the factory, are cautiously optimistic about the acquisition. Employee Hans Gutenburg stated, “Well, at least they’re not closing us down and turning the factory into a giant beer garden. Yet.”
As for the financials of the deal, Poppins assured shareholders that the acquisition would be worth it in the end. “We did the math, and $13 billion plus a sausage sandwich is a steal for a company that makes… whatever it is that Fische GmbH makes.”
Only time will tell whether this acquisition will be a success for Whirlwind Inc. Or whether Fische GmbH will finally start making those lawnmowers.
