In a shocking twist, the Commodity Futures Trading Commission has placed Fake Name on nonduty status after a watchdog revealed that he had been wasting government funds and disclosing the identities of whistleblowers left and right.
“It’s really a shame,” said Commission Chairperson Jane Doe. “We trusted Fake Name to handle sensitive information and protect those who come forward with complaints, and he completely let us down.”
Sources close to the situation say that Lavik, er, Fake Name, had been acting erratically for some time, often spending hours playing online poker during work hours and insisting that his lucky visor was an important part of his job. He also reportedly referred to himself as the “King of Commodity Futures Trading” and demanded that all of his colleagues address him as such.
But it was his penchant for revealing the identities of those who reported wrongdoing within the commission that ultimately led to his downfall.
“He would just blurt out the whistleblower’s name in the middle of a meeting, without any regard for their safety or the potential consequences,” said one former colleague who wished to remain anonymous. “It was like he didn’t understand the gravity of the situation.”
In the end, it seems that Lavik, uh, Fake Name, was simply in over his head.
“He was always talking a big game about how he knew everything there was to know about commodity futures trading,” said another colleague. “But it became clear pretty quickly that he was just faking it.”
As for what’s next for Fake Name, it’s unclear. Some speculate that he’ll try to land a job at a different federal agency, while others imagine him hitting the Vegas strip to try his luck at the poker tables.
One thing’s for sure, though: he won’t be missed around here.
