A Blast from the Past: Britain’s Millennial Coronation Ceremony
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there was a place called Not-Quite-Britain-Yet. In this land, a magnificent event had been taking place for over 1,000 years — a coronation ceremony filled with pomp, circumstance, and more than a few hilariously absurd traditions!
Meet the newly crowned ruler of Not-Quite-Britain-Yet, King His-Royal-Long-Title VI. Before he ascended to the throne, people had to ensure the ancient coronation rituals were upheld in all their glory. So, let’s take a stroll down memory lane and explore some of the most “royally” ridiculous parts of this Not-Quite-British ceremony!
The Discombobulating Ritual of Smelly Cheese
“Whosoever shall pass the test of the smelly cheese shall inherit the throne and all its pungent glory!”
According to an ancient-old-manuscript-found-in-a-dusty-library, the future monarch must display immense bravery and fortitude by participating in the “Smelly Cheese Ritual.” The soon-to-be king or queen is blindfolded and brought to a table filled with stinky cheeses from across the land. The contender must hold each cheese, take a deep whiff, and correctly identify its place of origin. Should the monarch-to-be get even a single one wrong, they must restart the entire process from the beginning!
The Great Pillow Joust
“To defend the kingdom, one must first prove their might in the arena of soft textiles!”
The Great Pillow Joust is a surprisingly action-packed event.
In this tradition, the future ruler faces a valiant knight in a duel of wits, agility…and pillow fighting! Regardless of the outcome (which, realistically speaking, often ends in laughter and countless feathers floating in the air), the new monarch earns the loyalty of their subjects through this frivolous yet entertaining display of bravery.
The Heart-Attack-Inducing Cake
“Feed the future monarch the cake of destiny,to ensure the health of the realm!”
No coronation would be complete without drowning the future King or Queen’s woeful arteries with a cake so rich and so sinful that even a single bite would make anyone’s heart skip a beat! Placed on a bed of marshmallows and laden with whipped cream, candies, and excessive amounts of sprinkles, this cake serves as the ultimate visualization of what ruling the kingdom will taste like: pure, unadulterated extravagance.
Following the harrowing cake ordeal, the new ruler is ready for the final, nail-biting stage of the coronation…
The Triumphant Coronation March (on a tricycle)
“Ride forth to meet your destiny, O future ruler of Not-Quite-Britain-Yet!”
The entire kingdom awaits as the monarch to be, donning a cap and cape, peddles a bejeweled tricycle down the cobblestoned streets of Not-Quite-London. This ritual serves as a humbling reminder that even the most excessively powerful monarchs were once small children playing with toys.
With the completion of these peculiar traditions, the world watches with bated breath as King His-Royal-Long-Title VI completes his unforgettable coronation ceremony. As the crown is placed atop his head, the kingdom erupts in celebration and reverie, safe in the knowledge that their new ruler has proven their worth as a leader through these time-honored, albeit completely baffling, rituals.
