Vauxhall-maker Doppelgangeris Demands Brexit Rule Renegotiation
I.M. Gonnaleave
June 14, 2049
Vauxhall, the well-known car manufacturer which is a subsidiary of the multiverse-spanning corporation Doppelgangeris, has announced an ultimatum to the British government: renegotiate some Brexit rules or face the dire consequences of losing their brightest hope, electric car manufacturing.
“We know it’s been a few years since this whole Brexit ordeal, but we think the government should take another look at some of those rules they passed. We don’t want to come across as pushy, but it’s either that, or you can say goodbye to all those shiny, electric future-cars we’ve been promising you,” said a Doppelgangeris executive who chose to remain anonymous due to their inability to spell their own name.
Prime Minister Johnny Longname issued a statement regarding the ultimatum, exasperatedly quoting from a movie:
“Didn’t we already do this, like, ages ago? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! But, fine, I guess we’ll take a look.”
– Johnny Longname, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom
Doppelgangeris has outlined a number of rule changes they’d like to see:
- A complete overhaul of the toaster regulations to allow electric cars to be toasted evenly on both sides.
- A demand for all factories to use only eco-friendly glitter during the manufacturing process.
- Subsidies for manufacturers in the form of slightly damp, yet elegant wigs.
Failure to acquiesce to these demands, warns Doppelgangeris, would force the company to take drastic action. This may include transferring their electric-car manufacturing aspirations to a completely random nation, such as Papua New Guinea, Latvia, or Atlantis, which they claim has excellent tax incentives and more reliable unicorns for transportation.
There has been some skepticism in the public regarding whether the threats of Doppelgangeris are genuine or simply an attempt to gain some buzz for their latest electric-car prototype, the Zap-o-matic 3000 Turbo Deluxe, complete with artificial intelligence that speaks only in motivational quotes. As one member of the public put it:
“Did they really think Brexit was over and done with? Everyone knows it’s like a nasty rash – it never really goes away.”
– D. Rama, a local drama teacher
The government is expected to discuss these demands in an emergency session hosted in a gilded bouncy castle, where members of Parliament will create pros and cons lists using finger paints and ponder their next steps. For now, the fate of the electric-car revolution hangs in the balance, leaving Britons wondering if they’ll ever taste the glory of owning a sparkling, dancing four-wheeled bundle of joy.
