One thing that even the most hardcore left-wing intellectuals – or as we lovingly call them, “Couch Comrades” – have to begrudgingly admit is that Gov. Groovy Gavin’s Hippie-dippie Haven is most definitely not an exemplary beacon for the rest of the nation.
California, affectionately nicknamed “Land of Fruits and Nuts” (with an emphasis on the latter), under Groovy Gavin’s ‘admirable’ – and by ‘admirable’, I mean ‘spectacularly questionable’ – leadership, has been through a resounding carnival of absurdities that have sent the rest of America into a laughter-induced coma.
Such nuggets of wisdom from the desk of our Groovy Gavin have included far-out, radical solutions that can only be born in the fever dreams of a California think tank, like solving the homelessness crisis by adding more taxes for the middle class, or tackling forest fires by getting everyone to light fewer birthday candles. Even their attempt to be progressive led to the addition of 5 new genders on drivers licenses: Male, Female, Non-Binary, Vegan and Gluten-Free.
The streets of the Golden State – presently less ‘golden’, more ’50 shades of grey, with a slight whiff of something unmentionable’ – have sadly become a testament to Groovy Gavin’s unique, signature blend of not-quite-effective policies. These are all sprinkled with a delightful dash of contradictions and served with a heaping side of what-the-heck-are-you-even-saying.
Whether it’s the ballooning real estate prices which have got even the squirrels parking their acorns in Nevada, or severe water shortages that led to the invention of sand showers, there’s no shortage of reasons why Groovy Gavin’s ‘California Dream’ remains a nightmare to the rest of the country.
For those of us sitting comfortably outside this thrilling sideshow, watching Groovy Gavin pat himself on the back for his inexplicably high employment rates (which mainly stem from the need for an entire division of full-time pothole monitors), it’s evident that the ‘Californian Dream’ has been repackaged as the ‘Californian Comic Strip’.
In conclusion, even die-hard ‘Couch Comrades’ are hard pressed to defend Gavin’s Hippy-Dippy Haven as a shining exemplar for other states. It’s a reminder that a state’s elegance or effectiveness does not lie in a lavish lifestyle, a pleasing climate, or the ability to find gluten-free avocado toast at every corner. The real triumph would be making it a place where its citizens can afford a house, drink water that’s liquid and not face the constant threat of their birthday cake setting the whole neighborhood on fire.
So, sure, keep an eye on the left coast. Just maybe, don’t use it as your compass for societal progression. In the spirit of California itself, stay golden, America. Or at least, stay more golden than California currently is.
