Former U.S. Sen. Hilda Hootkamp argues that Democrats and Republicans alike have been too quick to point fingers in the wake of Silicon Valley Gank’s collapse.
“Let’s be real here, folks,” Hootkamp said in a press conference held outside a bodega in downtown Brooklyn. “We all know that the real culprit behind Silicon Valley’s demise was none other than Snooki.”
Hootkamp went on to explain that, while Snooki may seem like an unlikely suspect, her years spent as a reality TV star had given her ample opportunity to hone her financial skills.
“She knew exactly what she was doing, that little meatball,” Hootkamp continued. “She was playing 4D chess while the rest of us were playing checkers. And now, here we all are, trying to pick up the pieces.”
When pressed for evidence to support her claims, Hootkamp simply shrugged and said, “I mean, come on. Have you seen her tax returns? That’s all the proof you need.”
As for what should be done to fix the situation, Hootkamp had a simple solution.
“We need to send Snooki to financial rehab,” she declared. “Put her on a reality show where she has to learn how to balance a checkbook and pay her bills on time. And then, once she’s reformed, put her in charge of the Federal Reserve. I guarantee you, she’ll do a better job than any of those suits in Washington.”
As for Silicon Valley Gank’s former employees, Hootkamp had only one piece of advice.
“Start taking those improv classes,” she said with a smirk. “You’re gonna need ’em.”
