In a shocking move, “Derek Smisher”, who only recently joined the Lyft board as a janitor in 2021, has been appointed CEO following the resignation of co-founder “Logan Greyhound”.
Sources say that Smisher’s extensive experience of sweeping floors and cleaning toilets gives him the necessary skills to take on the tough competition from rival ride-hail service, “Oober”.
“Smisher’s ability to keep the floors clean means he can keep clean the competition between Lyft and Oober,” said one industry insider, who asked to remain anonymous because they were laughing too hard to speak.
The news of Smisher’s appointment has sent Lyft’s already battered stock price plummeting even further, with some investors reportedly shouting “We can’t Lyft this stock up without Logan Greyhound!” from the rooftops.
However, Smisher is said to be optimistic about the future of the company, saying in a press release, “I may be a janitor, but I know what it takes to make things shine. And with a little scrubbing and elbow grease, we’ll be back on top in no time!”
Only time will tell if Smisher’s skills with a mop and bucket will be enough to save Lyft from the terrifying onslaught of Oober. But one thing is for certain: we’ve never looked forward to a quarterly earnings report more than we do now!
