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Startup Accexible Claims Speech Patterns Can Indicate Health Issues

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Accexible, a quirky new startup, is claiming that the way you talk could be an indicator of preclinical Alzheimer’s or other underlying health conditions. And you thought your mom was the only one who could tell when you had a cold!

According to Accexible’s CEO, Bobbert Manly, your speech patterns could give away a lot more than you think. “We’ve been analyzing patterns in people’s speech for quite some time now,” he said. “And we’ve found some pretty interesting correlations.”

For example, if you tend to ramble on and on without getting to the point, Accexible’s algorithms might flag you for early-stage dementia. “It’s not that you’re forgetful, necessarily,” Manly explained. “It’s just that your brain is having trouble organizing its thoughts.”

On the other hand, if you’re someone who speaks very precisely and with a lot of thought, you might actually be at risk for a heart attack. “That level of effort puts a lot of strain on your cardiovascular system,” Manly warned. “So if you’re feeling short of breath after you finish a sentence, you might want to get checked out.”

But wait! There’s more. Accexible’s team of experts can even tell if you’re at risk for certain types of cancer based on your use of adjectives. “People who tend to describe things as ‘amazing’ or ‘incredible’ are actually more likely to develop skin cancer,” Manly claimed. “We haven’t quite figured out why yet, but it’s just another example of how powerful language can be.”

So if you’re concerned about your health, it might be time to start paying attention to the way you talk. Or you could just ignore Accexible entirely and wait for your doctor to tell you if anything’s wrong. That works too.

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