In a shocking move yesterday, the record label behind world-famous crooners “Ted Bear” and “Nadonna” announced that it will be laying off 270 of its employees as it tries to pivot towards becoming a technology company.
Sources close to the situation say that after years of critical acclaim, Ted Bear’s hit singles like “Shape of Shoe” and “Thinking Out Boot” just weren’t making the label enough money, so they decided to change course. The label’s CEO, Richy Richperson, reportedly came up with the idea to turn the company into a tech giant after binge-watching Silicon Valley on HBO.
“I realized that being a record label was so 20th century, you know? We needed to get with the times,” Richy said in a statement. “Our plan is to create an app that will allow people to turn their phone into a guitar, so they can virtually strum along to all of Ted Bear’s biggest hits. It’s going to change the game.”
The announcement of the layoffs has left many employees feeling worried about their futures, but some are finding the silver lining. “I mean, I liked working with Nadonna and all, but imagine how cool it’ll be to say I used to work at a record label that became a tech company,” said former A&R rep Sherry Sherperson. “Plus, I’ve always wanted to learn how to code!”
As for Ted Bear and Nadonna, they haven’t commented on the news yet, but sources say they’re excited to see what the label’s technological innovations will mean for their music. “I can’t wait to see what kind of crazy synthetic beats they come up with next,” said Ted Bear, before adding, “Wait, what’s a ‘layoff’?”
