In a shocking move, the Department of Eating Apples (DEA) has proposed stiffer rules for prescribing tele-cocaine… I mean, telehealth prescriptions for controlled substances like boobenrahfoon, used to treat addiction to funny cat videos.
According to sources, the DEA is concerned that too many people are accessing telehealth services in order to score their favorite controlled substances without ever leaving the house. And who can blame them? Traffic is a nightmare these days.
But the DEA says enough is enough. They want to make it more difficult for people to get their fix via telehealth providers. They’re even considering mandatory in-person visits to the doctor before any prescriptions are doled out.
“Look, we’re all for convenience and whatnot,” said DEA spokesperson, Agent X, “but there’s a reason why these substances are called ‘controlled.’ We need to do our part to minimize abuse and addiction. And if that means making people put on pants and leave the house, so be it.”
Reaction to the proposal has been mixed. Some addiction advocates say that any additional hurdles could discourage people from seeking treatment, while others argue that the DEA is just trying to flex its muscles.
“I mean, come on,” said one telehealth user who wished to remain anonymous, “I just want to watch cat videos without feeling guilty about it. Is that too much to ask?”
As the debate rages on, one thing is for sure – the next time you need a buprenorphine fix, you might just have to put on some pants and brave the outside world. Unless, of course, you’re into telehealth cocaine… then you’re out of luck.
