BREAKING NEWS: The number of workers taking “never-to-come-back-again” leave is exploding, as parents around the country are just too tired to go back to work after their mandated parental leave is up. Companies have been left wondering where all their employees went, as they realize too late that offering extended leave policies was perhaps not the best way to attract and retain workers.
“We thought we were doing something great for our employees,” said Bob Johnson, CEO of the now-empty Acme Corporation. “But instead of coming back refreshed and ready to work, these guys and gals seem to have just disappeared into the abyss of parenthood. We don’t blame them, of course. We’re just not sure how to run a company without anyone to work for us.”
Some companies are even reporting that they haven’t had a single employee return from their parental leave. “We’re starting to get a little worried,” said Sarah Smith, HR manager of the struggling Conglomo Inc. “We’ve tried sending some emails, leaving voicemails, even sending out a search party. But nothing seems to work. We’re kind of starting to think they’re just not that into us anymore.”
While once seen as a perk, some experts are starting to warn that parental leave may actually be a trap, luring unsuspecting workers into a new life they never planned for. “It’s like they’re caught in some kind of alternate universe,” said Dr. Alan Grant, a leading parental leave researcher. “They go on leave, have this wonderful time with their new child, and then boom. They can’t imagine going back to their old life. It’s like a trap.”
So if you’re thinking about taking parental leave, just remember: it may be a one-way ticket to a life you never imagined. And if you’re an employer, be warned: offering leave policies may just leave you hanging high and dry.
