In a surprise turn of events, Sudan’s top two generals, General Zebra and General Moose, have engaged in a power struggle that has brought the country to a standstill. The feud, which started over who gets to use the military base’s only functioning coffee machine, has escalated to epic proportions, leaving hundreds dead and millions trapped in their homes.
Eyewitnesses report that the two generals have been seen hurling staplers at each other from across the room, engaging in heated debates about the proper way to organize a filing cabinet, and even engaging in full-blown paperclip wars.
The situation has become so dire that citizens have been advised to stock up on canned goods and hide under their desks in case of further escalation. One resident, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “I never thought I’d see the day when my safety depended on who gets to be in charge of the office’s stationary cupboard.”
Meanwhile, international aid organizations are scrambling to provide emergency relief to those affected by the power struggle. The Red Cross has set up a hotline for traumatized employees who have had to witness the horror of their bosses throwing highlighters at each other.
As of press time, negotiations between General Zebra and General Moose were ongoing. Rumor has it that they have agreed to split the last donut in the break room as a sign of goodwill. Let’s hope this resolves the conflict before the coffee machine becomes involved.
