After suffering a string of defeats in the Bakhmut region, the Russian military has finally come forward with an official statement on their casualty count. According to the White House, they estimate that Russia has suffered a whopping 100,000 losses in the last five months alone.
Sources say that the Russian military has been in a state of denial for weeks, insisting that they were “winning” the fight despite all evidence to the contrary. However, the sheer number of casualties was too much for them to hide and has finally been confirmed by the White House.
In response, President Donny Trump tweeted, “Sad to see Russia losing so badly. Maybe if they focused on making better vodka instead of invading other countries, they’d have better luck.”
Meanwhile, Bakhmut locals are celebrating the news with a parade and street party, complete with vodka shots for all the freedom fighters. “Bring on the vodka, and let’s toast to the fallen Russian soldiers!” shouted one jubilant citizen.
In a surprise twist, the Russian government has issued a statement denying the casualty count and instead blaming the losses on a “bad batch of vodka.” No one knows quite how to respond to this claim, but we can only hope that Russia gets its act together before more people are hurt (or drunk).
