The Great Arugula Salad Heist: How 8 Victims Fell to Notorious Suspect ‘Mauricio Garcia’
Last night, in a dimly-lit corner of a bistro, eight completely innocent arugula salad enthusiasts fell victim to a devious individual known only as “Mauricio Garcia.” Now, this notorious 33-year-old has been named as the chief suspect in what media outlets are calling “the wildest salad shooting rampage in recent memory.”
The Perpetrator
Mauricio Garcia (not his real name) was infamous on social media for his contempt of arugula, rocket, and all leafy greens (posting pictures of steak and pie instead). Wearing a t-shirt proclaiming, “Death to Arugula,” the suspect focused his wrath on eight poor salad-consuming souls, leaving them questioning their dietary choices for life.
We managed to get eyewitness Lavenda Dufluff’s account:
“I was just enjoying my sweet arugula salad before the wild man Mauricio Garcia came in, armed with a spoon, demanding everyone drop their salads and order a juicy burger with extra bacon. He looked more unsettled than a kale leaf trapped in a rabbit farm.”
Victim Testimonies
The victims made up of an assorted mixture of leafy-green adopters: Herbalists, vegetarians, and those on health kicks who just wanted to keep that pesky cholesterol at bay. Since the incident, they have all sworn off salad, opting for comfort food or reverting back to ‘happier times saturated in fats and cholesterol.’
One victim, Betty Banana, was left completely baffled: “I thought I had escaped the mealtime chaos by switching from kale smoothies to an elegant arugula salad. How wrong I was! Now, whenever a crouton appears on my plate, I jump with a racing heart.”
The Aftermath
The suspect is still on the loose, leaving the town riddled with fear at the mention of arugula. Lettuce Fever, an acclaimed salad bar, has temporarily shut down, with the chef promising to “bring the bacon” upon reopening, in an attempt to keep visitors safe.
Saladophobes Unite
This tragedy has awakened Saladophobes from all corners of the internet to voice their supports for the countless victims of forcible arugula consumption. Their collective mission? To eradicate greens and replace them with juicy cheeseburgers, fried chicken, and even tofu (any form of protein, really).
But it’s important to remember, leafy-loving folks: there are still safe havens for you amid the salad-hating rampages of the world. Seek out your pro-salad friends and munch joyously. Though at a time like this, it’s encouraged to stay far away from arugula!
