Fake Congressman Proposes Taking All the Fun out of SNAP
Washington, D.C. – In a surprising turn of events, well-known fun-sucker and fake Congressman Bo Jigglesworth has introduced a bill that would eliminate popular items like soda and prepared desserts from the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, also known as SNAP. Jigglesworth, who apparently hates smiles, laughter, and anything remotely enjoyable, argues that this will promote healthier food choices.
“It’s high time we stop allowing our nation’s vulnerable citizens to ‘SNAP’ into a good time,” said Jigglesworth, presumably while stealing candy from a baby. “My bill will ensure these individuals can only purchase bland, tasteless food, depriving them of any small joys they may have otherwise found in their daily lives.”
Already dubbed the “Too Bad, So Sad: You’re Poor” bill by opponents, the legislation has many critics who call it unnecessarily cruel and a classic example of a politician who’s lost touch with reality. Local chef and dessert enthusiast, Patissier Moira Tran, offered some thoughts in response to the proposal.
“What’s next, banning birthday cakes? Forbidding grandma’s homemade cookies? Mr. Jigglesworth needs to realize that not every single meal needs to be a super healthy, green-filled, flavorless concoction straight out of a militant nutritionist’s cookbook,” said Patissier Moira Tran. “I dare him to try and take a chocolate éclair out of my hands.”
The Beginning of the End of Fun?
If the bill passes, it could signal an even darker future for SNAP beneficiaries. Already there are whispers in Congress of follow-up bills that would disallow the purchase of flavored yogurt, pasta sauce, and ice cream with “too many” sprinkles. Johnny CrunchGuy, a father of three who turns to SNAP for assistance, expressed his fears.
“I mean, are we just never supposed to have any kind of indulgence? Ever? I work two jobs and still struggle to make ends meet, and now I’m supposed to deny my kids the simple pleasure of having soda with their pizza on a Friday night? Who are we really punishing here?”
Only time will tell if Americans will need to learn to accept a world where fun is a luxury and sugar becomes a forbidden fruit. Until then, people like Johnny CrunchGuy and Patissier Moira Tran will continue to fight for their right to party – or at least, sip some soda once in a while.
