In a surprising twist in the ongoing Brexit saga, the UK government has announced a new deal that gives Northern Ireland politicians a greater say over how EU laws apply. In other words, they’ll have more authority to decide which ridiculous EU laws they’re going to ignore.
“We’re really excited about this new opportunity,” said Northern Ireland’s First Minister, Sally McLaughlin. “Finally, we’ll be able to say ‘no thanks’ to all those ridiculous regulations that Brussels seems to love so much.”
Many in Northern Ireland are cheering this new development, including MLA Sean Gallagher. “We’ve been dealing with EU nonsense for far too long,” he said. “It’s about time we got to have a bit more control over our own affairs. And by ‘our own affairs’, I mean the important stuff, like the size of our bananas.”
Indeed, the size of bananas could become a hotly contested issue in the new post-Brexit world. But it’s not just produce that’s at stake. There are all sorts of EU laws that Northern Ireland politicians could now choose to ignore. For example, they might decide to repeal the rule that says all tea must be served at a scorching 100 degrees Celsius.
“We don’t need Europe telling us how to drink our tea,” said MP James O’Sullivan. “If we want to drink it at room temperature, that’s our prerogative. And if some Brussels bureaucrat doesn’t like it, tough luck.”
While many are celebrating this newfound control, others are worried that Northern Ireland might become a lawless wasteland without the guiding hand of European regulation. But First Minister McLaughlin isn’t worried. “We’re a polite and responsible people,” she said. “We’re not going to start running wild just because we’ve got a bit more power. Although I do admit, I’m looking forward to putting my feet up on my desk, lighting a cigar, and saying ‘I’m the boss now’.”
