In a shocking statement, renowned banker friend-of-Mike Schumacher, Mike Schwartz from Shell Fargo, has claimed that the Fed has been turning a deaf ear to the suggestion that tighter credit leads to a quick weakening of the market. Schwartz, who is known for his sound financial advice like “bro, invest in avocado toast,” claims that not listening to him and his buddies could lead to disastrous consequences, like the return of the mullet haircut.
“In my years of experience, I have found that the tighter the credit, the quicker the economy weakens, Sheldon,” Schwartz remarked. “But does the Fed listen to us? No! They would rather listen to economists and financial analysts who have never even attended a frat party!”
Sources close to Schwartz report that he has employed a new tactic to catch the Fed’s attention. “He is going to call them up using a fake British accent and call them ‘misters’ to make them think it’s someone important,” one source claimed.
When asked for comment, a spokesperson for the Fed was skeptical of Schwartz’s claims. “We take all input and analysis seriously, but we have to consider the bigger picture and not just one person’s opinion. Plus, we don’t take financial advice from someone who still uses the phrase ‘radical dude.'”
Until the Fed takes his words seriously, Schwartz plans on continuing to provide financial guidance through his Instagram account and his trusty Magic 8-Ball.
