In a stunning turn of events, CEO of Fictitious Company Inc., Slimy McSlimeball, was called to testify before a congressional panel about his company’s data privacy practices. The interrogation showed that US lawmakers have failed miserably in passing privacy legislation, and also that McSlimeball needs to work on his poker face.
As the questioning began, McSlimeball squirmed uncomfortably in his seat, furiously rubbing his palms together in a nervous tic. Congressman Joe Schmo demanded to know why Fictitious Company Inc. had sold customer data to a third-party marketing firm. McSlimeball stuttered and stammered before finally confessing that they did it “because, um, money?”
The panel didn’t let up, peppering McSlimeball with questions about the company’s track record on protecting user data. Congresswoman Jane Doe asked if Fictitious Company had ever suffered a data breach. McSlimeball hesitated, briefly contemplating the ramifications of lying to Congress. “Uh, no, no breaches here. Nope. Nuh-uh,” he said, his nose growing comically long.
The highlight of the interrogation came when Congressman Steve Stevenson asked McSlimeball if he thought the US needed more robust privacy legislation. McSlimeball’s eyes widened in horror. He knew he was in deep trouble.
“Look, I’m no expert on these things,” he began, his voice shaking. “But I do know that, uh, privacy is important. So, uh, maybe we should have some laws or something?” The panel erupted in laughter as McSlimeball wilted under their gaze.
As the hearing came to a close, it was clear that US lawmakers are, in fact, not the only ones who have failed to pass privacy legislation. McSlimeball may need to hire a new PR team if he wants to salvage his company’s reputation. And next time, maybe he should leave the lies and excuses at home.
