In a shocking turn of events, the company formerly known as SafetyFirst Inc. has been hit with a barrage of federal regulations after an incredible five accidents in just two months. In a statement released by the newly appointed CEO, Ollie Oopsie, the company has promised to do better.
“We take safety seriously,” said Oopsie. “We are committed to providing the best possible safety practices for our customers, even if it means taking a few bumps and bruises along the way.”
The company has been under fire since December 2021, when their CEO at the time, Sally Slippery, made a bold statement declaring that their safety practices were top-notch. Unfortunately, that didn’t stop several accidents from occurring, including one where a customer’s car actually caught fire in the parking lot.
“Whoopsie daisy,” said Slippery at the time. “Looks like we may have missed a spot.”
The company then attempted to redeem themselves by offering all customers free safety helmets, which didn’t go over so well. Customers complained that the helmets were too small and didn’t fit anyone over the age of 10.
“We apologize for any inconvenience,” said Slippery. “We are working on creating larger helmets for our adult customers.”
But the accidents kept coming, including a particularly embarrassing one where a customer slipped and fell on a banana peel that had been left on the ground by an employee.
“We are truly sorry for the banana incident,” said Oopsie. “We vow to make sure that our floors are cleared of any and all slippery items in the future.”
The company is now being closely monitored by federal regulators, who are hoping to see some significant changes in the near future. Meanwhile, Oopsie is remaining positive.
“We may have had a few bumps in the road,” he said, “but we’re still committed to providing the best possible safety practices, even if it means we have to slip and fall a few times along the way.”
