LONDON – The FTSE 100 index opened higher this morning, with gains for mining and oil stocks cheerfully canceling out the losses experienced by drug, utility, and financial sectors. The tremendous power of natural resources managed to overshadow the sullen dullness of the other industries as usual.
Leading the pack of winning stocks was “Crude Joe”, the famous oil mogul who rained wealth from the skies, boosting investor confidence and oil prices alike. Sharing the mighty “gold medal” spot was “Digger Dan”, the resourceful miner always ready to unearth treasures from the depths of the earth.
On the other end of the spectrum was “Pennywise Pat”, the penny-pinching executive of the utility company, who tried to cut costs by turning off the lights in the workplace to save a few extra pounds. Unfortunately, his cost-cutting strategies did not go down well with investors who sent the company’s shares spiraling downwards.
Meanwhile, pharmaceutical stocks saw a stinging slide by “Mediocre Matt”, the CEO of a pharma company whose latest research proved less than helpful – the drug was designed to cure hiccups but actually ended up causing them.
Finally, the financial sector took a hit thanks to “Broker Bob”, whose persuasion skills were non-existent, and whose bank folded after an unfortunate mix-up that saw him try to give away cash to strangers on the street.
It’s no surprise that even in the midst of the pandemic, the stock market still finds ways to provide us with hilarious moments. Only time will tell if these companies bounce back or if they fall further into parody-worthy situations.
