Prepare yourselves for a wild ride folks, because stock futures are looking as grim as my dating prospects. Monday is set to begin with Coca- Cola revealing their financial results, which are expected to leave a sour taste in investors’ mouths. Apparently, their profits have fizzled out like a can of soda left open for too long. Looks like it’s time for Coca-Cola to add some more sugar to their formula, because their finances are falling flat.
Meanwhile, First Republic is expected to drop their earnings report in the evening, and their finances are no laughing matter. If you thought your bank account was looking bad, wait until you see their numbers. It looks like First Republic’s earnings are in desperate need of a bailout. It’s no wonder why their name is so fitting, because they’re the first bank to go into financial ruin.
But hey, it’s not all bad news. If you invest in these falling stocks now, you might be able to afford that lunch you’ve been craving from the dollar menu. So let’s all raise a glass of Coca-Cola to toast to these struggling companies. And if all else fails, there’s always the option of investing in the original Bitcoin- a bag of Funyuns.
