In a shocking twist, it seems that Gustavo “Petrified” Petro’s message of anticapitalism has found a welcome home in the Biden White House. This news comes as a surprise to many who were under the impression that the U.S. was firmly capitalist, but apparently, anything goes in 2021.
According to sources within the White House, one staffer was overheard saying, “I mean, why not? We’ve got nothing to lose at this point. Might as well see what happens.” Another staffer was reportedly seen donning a Che Guevara t-shirt and blasting Rage Against the Machine in her office.
In response to the news, the stock market took a nosedive, causing panic among some investors. “What is this, Venezuela? We can’t have our economy tanking like this!” cried one Wall Street broker.
Meanwhile, Petro himself was last seen dancing in the streets of D.C. with a bullhorn and a giant fist-shaped foam finger. “¡Viva la revolución!” he shouted, to the confusion of many passersby.
Only time will tell what this unexpected turn of events will mean for the future of American politics and economics. But one thing is for sure – we’re in for a wild ride.
