Fed up with their employees calling in sick on days that happen to fall on national holidays, automotive giant Hank, Hank, and More Hank announced today that it will offer employees the option of taking a “buyout” for up to $1.5 billion, with the caveat that they never take another day off work again.
“We just want to weed out the weaklings who can’t handle a little holiday cheer,” said CEO Hank Hankerson. “Plus, this way we’ll save a fortune on sick days and won’t have to deal with the complaining.”
The plan has already received mixed reactions from employees. Some are grateful for the chance to collect a large payout, while others are concerned about the practicality of never being able to take a day off ever again.
“I mean, sometimes things come up, you know?” said Hank Smith, a 20-year employee of the company. “But I guess $1.5 billion is hard to pass up.”
The company expects a large number of employees to take the buyout, which will result in a significant one-time charge to the company’s finances. However, executives believe that the long-term savings will outweigh this cost.
“We’re confident that this plan will pay off in the long run,” said CFO Hank Hankerson Jr. “And if it doesn’t, we’ll just blame it on our employees, like we always do.”
