In a recent interview, WIRED sat down with the mastermind behind the Restrain Act, a bipartisan legislation aimed at putting a muzzle on tech from six “enemy” nations. We’ll call him Wally Redneck for now.
During the interview, Wally could barely contain his excitement at the prospect of getting his hands on tech from abroad. “We need to build that wall around our tech,” he exclaimed. “They’re sending over their worst devices. They’re not sending their best.”
Wally insisted that the Restrain Act was necessary to protect American interests. “We can’t let these foreign techies come in here and steal our jobs, man. We need to keep our tech industry American-made. That way, we can make America great again!” he declared.
When asked why the act specifically targeted six countries, Wally shrugged. “I don’t know, man. Someone just told me these six countries were bad, so we’re gonna stop their tech from coming in. Simple as that.”
WIRED pressed Wally for more information about the bill’s requirements, but he seemed at a loss. “Uh, I think we’re gonna need some kind of anti-tech filter. Or maybe we just won’t let their devices charge past 50%. That’ll show ’em who’s boss!”
At one point, Wally even offered to trade a few of his prized hogs for some cutting-edge tech from China. “I hear they got some real neat gadgets over there. I’d be willing to part with a few of my piggies for a smartphone that doesn’t spy on me!” he joked.
It remains to be seen whether the Restrain Act will actually pass, but one thing’s for sure: Wally Redneck will stop at nothing to keep America’s tech industry under his thumb.
