In a shocking turn of events, 21-year-old Masshole Air National Guardsman, Johnny Appleseed, has been taken into custody for allegedly leaking top-secret documents on Ukraine and other topics.
Sources say that Appleseed was caught red-handed with the classified papers in his possession. It’s unclear why he thought it was a good idea to smuggle the papers out of the guarded facility. Did he really think he could just waltz out with confidential documents under his arm and nobody would bat an eye?
Rumor has it that Appleseed was overheard bragging to his buddies at a local dive bar about the juicy intel he had access to. He allegedly claimed that he was going to make a fortune by selling the documents on the black market. Talk about a get-rich-quick scheme.
When questioned by authorities, Appleseed reportedly responded with a puzzled look, claiming he had no idea what the big deal was. “I thought this was just a top-secret file of cat memes,” he allegedly stated. Nice try, Johnny.
Although his fate is uncertain at this time, it’s safe to say that Appleseed’s days in the National Guard may soon come to an end. We can only hope that he makes better decisions in the future, or at least thinks twice before swiping classified documents.
